The Kentucky Derby

April 29, 2008

This is an event where an animal does all the legwork, a dwarf contributes the skill, and the millionaire owner gets all the credit. That’s the best. When the announcers start gushing over the millionaire owner. He bought a real fast horse! Let’s clap for him!

Meanwhile, the Hobbit that just rode your investment to victory hasn’t eaten a lunch that wasn’t immediately regurgitated in three weeks. Damn you, Dan Fogelberg, for giving tune to this abortion of so-called achievement.

Put a man on top of a hippo and race that.

Wind Chimes

April 22, 2008

Wind ChimesRanked somewhere between a paperweight and a half-box of mustard packets, wind chimes are probably among the worst house-warming gifts you’ll likely to receive. Who do you know who wants a device that randomly sprinkles disjointed noise during the hours you’re trying to sleep?

I lived in an apartment complex where some bastard hung up a wind chime off his balcony. A rooster would have been better. At least it only wakes you up at sunrise. And devour it later.

The kind of person who owns a wind chime also owns Lily Tomlin movies, wears copper bracelets and crystal amulets, drinks Dr. PepperĀ® exclusively, and makes it a point to make you feel like an asshole for not watching The Wire.

I’d eat your wind chimes if I were sure I wouldn’t shit a jingle.

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