DorkAs far as I’m concerned, it’s official: nothing is dorkier than televised poker.

Wait! I’m wrong! The people who play poker on televised poker are dorkier than the people watching televised poker.

These guys appear on national TV dressed like they’re attending a Mork & Mindy convention.

Little Known Hippo Fact: You can’t bluff a hippo.

Bluetoothâ„¢

May 19, 2008

Idiot After discovering the broken vase, and before grounding me for three weeks, Mom told me that “honesty is the best policy.” And boy is that true! Honesty is a terrific policy, and The Hippo will share some penetrating honesty with you right now:

Bluetooth people, you look like idiots!

Yes. It’s true. You have a plastic nub poking out of your ear. You look like somebody who should be adding French Fries to my receipt. Unless you work for Lando Calrission on Cloud City,  you have no reason to plug a speaker into your brain.

Really, you look like a moron.

DildoWalking from the 5th to the 6th hole, I saw something large and purple along the cart path. “Hey, that looks like a dildo,” I said, a moment before realizing that it was a dildo.

Who in the hell drops a dildo on a public golf course? Aren’t those expensive? Dildos don’t just grow on trees.

More alarming, that dildo put even my hippo-sized member to shame.

British Accents

May 1, 2008

Wot wot! WhooHoo! I’m British! I sound smart, even if the garbage oozing out of my mouth is a dopey sack of bullocks!

A big Yankee note to the country whose ass we kicked in the 1780s: take your Hugh Grant back. We’ve filtered everything he’s said through beloved American character actor Rip Torn, and we discovered that Hugh Grant is neither witty nor charming.

I will eat your Jude Law.